Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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