i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?