How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
