I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we're making bets on your personal life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
