I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
