Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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