Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize