I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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