I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
