Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
