Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
