You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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