Umm I'm too high to move.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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