The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
