Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
