I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
