I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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