New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We named our party play list daddy issues
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
