So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
