I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
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I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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