I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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