I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
