remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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