Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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