the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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