I'm so fucking centered right now
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
