Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
