Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It's never too late to be topless.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
