the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
