If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
and she was petting her beer can
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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