I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
