Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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