Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
