Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
