i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
