im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
