Sober January is a disaster.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
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