I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
