Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
