Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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