No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
