i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
