Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
