Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
