I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
