You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
