You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We are all done wearing pants today
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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