I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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