I want to make a zoo with you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
