i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize