everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
