I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
