I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize