Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
