i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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