I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
