just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
