I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
