My room smells like vodka and shame
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
