I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Alive.
So much puke
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
