shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
