I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
