The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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